“we love to talk about those who have left us. we love to talk about the ones who have caused us an abundance of pain and sorrow. but what about those who have never left us. what about those who have sat with us and helped us with the sorrow and pain in our hearts. instead of remembering those who have left us we need to remember those who are still here.”
I think it’s important to remember those who have left us because they have shaped us in to the person we are today. even if that is a person who can’t trust anyone. who believes that love is nothing but a false sense of hope. who believes that the thinner you are the more beautiful you are. that you are not able to be loved. the people that have left us have shaped us into the person we are today. I have a list of people who i used to love, trust, turn to, but something always happens. They move away, I change or they change, or we just drift apart. It’s sad to remember those who you were once so close to but when they left you were shaped into the person you are today.
Maybe we have to go through those friends who will leave us, break us, tear us limb from limb still wanting more, the friends that demand for your heart only to smash it on the ground and give you a few pieces back. maybe we need those people to show us that we should not be naive. we should not trust everyone with our heart, we should not let everyone in, we should give our trust to a few and be cautious with everyone. but we are humans. we thrive for emotions, love, feelings, hope, fights, drama, we soak in the bad times because of how they make us feel something! being able to feel something is a blessing. we feel alive during the fights. no matter how messy or terrible or gut wrenching we are at least we feel something right?
I remember having a dream after I lost my best friend renn, (who i will talk about a lot) I never felt so strong or powerful. I had a dream where I was standing in the ocean and the waves were touching the sky and crashing down around me. the wind was so powerful that it was blowing my hair and white dress around. Lightning was touching the ocean like it was trying to grab onto an anchor to stay on earth. I remember feeling nothing but power and pain and strength. I should’ve been crying and curled up in a corner because I lost my best friend but i felt FREE. I was no longer in a relationship where I felt powerless, weak, pained, worthless, unloved. I was able to break free of those chains and the idea that he was going to save me. I was my own hero and when I woke up I felt a rush of calmness over me. Thats how I knew I was free.
I have spent too long crying over those who I have lost instead of rejoicing over those who have stayed. I need to focus on those who haven’t left my side and who are the ones I can call when I’m feeling weak and like I want to relapse. Its no secret that you’re going to lose people but the people you keep are the ones you need to focus on. I have had the same best friend since 6th grade. Kearin (I talk about her a lot too but there’s never anything bad to say about her because she’s my angel from above). From 6th grade to being someone who was confident, cool, calm, someone who got along with everyone and was friends with multiple people; to 7th grade where i started to get insecure about my body and face and focused on boys and put what boys thought of me over what I thought of me; to 8th grade where I felt nothing, where i broke down, where a boy determined my worth, where i felt nothing but darkness; to now. Someone who is stronger, happier, who knows who I used to be and who knows who I want to become. Kearin stuck by me and helped me. She would be there and I never truly cherished that until this year. It takes a long time but she was always there for me and I just want to thank her. There is nobody more important than your best friend who never left you at your worst and who celebrates with you at your best.
it’s taken me a long time to get to the place where I am today but I’m glad I had those people leave me so I could be the person who I am today. Im thankful for those who haven’t left me and who are still standing by me through all these trials. I’m not going to glorify those who have left but cherish those who haven’t.