you wouldnt let a teenage boy determine the worth of a diamond so why are you letting them determine YOUR self worth.

as i have mentioned before SELF worth comes from within. which for someone reason is alot harder to understand than it should be. we glorify teenage relationships, partying, drinking, drugs, and waking up the next morning having to deal with a night full of mistakes. we are taught that boys determine our self worth and that if a boy thinks youre pretty then youre pretty, but if its the other story than that sucks. if a boy calls you ugly it sticks with you forever. it takes one tiny crack in a porcelain dolls to make it shatter into pieces right before you. it doesnt matter what that tiny crack is, it could be from a tiny bump of the word “ugly” or “fat” to make this beautiful doll become torn to shreds. It could be a whole hammer of “worthless”, “stupid”, “waste of space”, or “pig” to bring such a precious doll to destruction. 

SELF WORTH COMES FROM WITHIN. you have to determine your own self worth. how you think of yourself is how you will be percived. I used to think so poorly about myself, i thought i would never fit in. I thought I was a puzzle piece missing her puzzle and trying to fit in anywhere it seemed like i could. I turned to boys to shape me into the right puzzle piece and it only made it worse. would you trust a teenage boy with a precious emerald? obviously not so why are you trusting them with your self worth. One day i just kinda looked in the mirror and thought to myself “hey i have really pretty eyelashes” and thats when I knew i was getting better. Something as small as an eyelash was how I knew i was worth more than I had sold myself to be. After that I started to ask  demand more respect. I was starting to respect myself for the first time since I got sick and I wasnt going to let myself down just so I could hear a few boys say the words “i think youre hot”. I remember looking in the mirror later on and thinking of a whole list I thought was pretty great about myself. The way my freckles reminded me of dandelion fuzz floating in the wind. The way my nose bone was straight but I still had a little ski slope at the end of my nose. The way my lips looked just made me feel more beautiful. The way my smile seemed to make me feel and look 100% better. The way my eyes were brown but still sparkly. The way my eyelashes looked like they were trying to touch the sky. The little scratch i have by my eyebrow that is barely noticable (even to me) from when I did a flip into my hottub was beautiful. Then I started realizing MY OWN BODY was beautiful. The way my hands were small. The way my fingers had nobs from my knuckles. The way my right index finger still is swollen from when I jammed it at pine cove was beautiful. The scars I have on my knees from falling on the treadmill. The way my feet looked dainty was beautiful. It started out with just an eyelash and I felt a whole world of confidence later on. I wouldnt give that up to any teenage boy just so he could say the words “I wanna eff you badly”. That was not going to be the person I am anymore. I remember the exact day i decided that. my self worth is worth more than any teenage boy could price and thats how I know recovery is working. 

because I am beautiful and I do not need a boy to put a worth on me that is so much less than what i am. 

thats how i know im getting better. 

and im going to keep getting better.

 

hope the same goes for you

xoxo,

alexa marie 

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