i want my first time to be special. i want the guy to love me. i want to love him. i want there to be candles and flowers. i want it to be my husband. but honestly it wont happen. it wont be special. ill probably just lay there. it wont be out of love. it will be a guy wanting to get some. and one day ill just stop caring. thats probably how my first time will be honestly and that scares me.  a guy already lied to me about taking it. im sure i just will stop holding on to the idea of love and let a guy use me. i would let multiple guys use me if it wasnt for the fact that i want to save myself. i just know i wont. knowing me it wont be special, it wont be with someone i love, it wont be with someone who loves me. it will just be me and him doing a physical activity. just me lying there. my morals are lowered each year. each year passes by and im wanted by less and less people and i was already unwanted. its so sad to think about love and marriage because i know its all false hope. i just wish someone loved me and wanted me 

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