i know i deserve better but….

….I just dont ask for the respect I deserve. Especially from guys. Its just so much easier to say yes than it is to say no. I always hate myself for saying no but i feel obligated to. I want to make a boy happy. I crave for a boy’s attention even if it is just sexual and its sad. its desperate and pathetic but thats what i am. right? its sad how quick i am to say yes. i dont even debate about it anymore. i just dont care anymore. like sure why not. i know i deserve better and i should stand up for myself and one day that guy might come but then again its me. so i cant really rely on that. all the good guys are gonna go to the pretty girls and then im stuck saying sure why not. which sucks but its life. girls like ashley and kearin are gonna get the good husbands and ill get the alcholic one who stops trying after we are married. i just dont expect to be treated better. I know i should be but i just stopped wanting to ask. im used and i know that. i hate it but i take what i can get because if i dont i wouldnt get anything at all. its sad how boys only text me if they need soemthing and how i say yes because hey at least im wanted for soemthing. even if its just my mouth. i really hate this. i feel gross inside. i just dont do anything about it because i know it will push away the 0 guys i have. Kearin and Ashley were talking all about their guy expierences and them dating and all i had was in 6th grade jon perez asked me out and had someone else break up with me for him. thats all i have. i have that i lowered my standards for guys. that i lost my morals. that i stopped feeling like someone who deserved respect. that i knew guys were using me but even that made me feel happy bc hey i was being wanted. kinda sick and twisted right? well its pathetic and i feel pathetic as a tear rolls down my cheek during this. i feel patheetic for wanting love. i feel pathetic for having nothing to talk about on the topic of guys expect how ive gotten used and my heartbroken. do you know how sad it is. i just stopped caring. and i dont know why i should

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