drowning in a sea of emotions

i just have lost so many people

i shouldnt focus on them but i do

i feel so insignificant 

like i mean nothing

i just want to scream underwater

sometimes i imagine someone trapped deep down inside me pounnding on a glass box filled with water just screaming and pounding to get out but she can’t. maybe thats what this is for me. everytime i think im getting better i just for some reason start to feel sad. feel trapped. feel unimportant. its so stupid of me. i just need an outlet to get this all out. i dont like therapy. im not good at writing. i cant run. i cant drive. i cant do anything. i dont like doing what my mom thinks i should. i just want my life to be mine. i just have so many emotions swirling around me like a hurricane and when im happy im only in the eye of the storm and i should know that it is going to pick back up again. i just wish it wasnt like this for me. i wish i wasnt so psychotic. i wish i wasnt so emotional. i wish i was stable. with normal reactions and normal emotions and normal friends and normal family and normal life. i just am drowning. and im really getting tired of coming up to the surface for a breath only to get dragged back down. im getting tired. somedays i just want to lay in bed. and never get out. okay well its more than somedays. its everyday. im forced to eat and take a shower and go outside by my mom. i just was happy with kearin and ashley over but i felt like i was third wheeling. they have so much more in common. they have the boyfriend stories and everything together and i just dont have that. i have my i was stupid and lowered my morals for guy who i dont even talk to anymore. my house is filled with laughter downstairs and im upstairs and i hate them for it. i hate how other people are happy without trying and i worked my butt off for so long and im not happy. im an emotional wreck. im bipolar but thats not an excuse. god i just feel dumb. 

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