a number

you left me after i gave you my heart. sometimes i wish i could take that back. i wish i could go back in time and never give you something so special like that. i wish i could still be pure and not tainted with my crooked heart. i tried to replace love with lust and i ended up with self loathing. then you came back with my heart but it was squished, rung out, full of hurt and bruises, parts were missing, it was torn, it had holes that couldn’t be filled. and i was left spiraling down into dark hurting painful spiral towards depression and emptiness. then you saw me. you talked to me.. i let you believe my heart was healthy, full, bright, pumping, in perfect condition, like you were something that could easily bounce off me. then you just kept trying to get into my heart. you got in through a whole and released a poison throughout my whole body called feelings. you knew i liked you. and you liked my best friend. so i didn’t worry about what i wanted or what might hurt me. i helped you get the girl you wanted. you told me i was the kindest, most selfless person you’d ever met. I took the compliment and buried it. then that night came a wave of tears rushing over my pillow full of pain and heartbreak and the tears started to form a puddle, a lake, a river, and then an ocean, and soon i was drowning. but i didn’t let you know. I would ask you harmless questions like how much do you think i weigh? i thought you didn’t love me because you couldn’t love the fat broken girl who is drowning. you’re response? “144”, that number still haunts me. whenever i see myself in the mirror i hear 144. i see 144 on hanger sizes. i look at myself as 144 because no girl should ever be 144. especially when you’re new girlfriend was what you thought to be 101. 144 is all i think when i eat. its what courses through my veins when i see people. when i catch someone looking at me. its the whispers i hear escaping behind a hand to the ear. 144.144.144.144.144.144.144.144.144.144.144.144. its a constant haunting chant that keeps me from being confident. i will never be more than 144. and even when i kicked you out of my life 144 is still haunting me. so you left me with a torn, bruised, broken, disenagrating heart, and the poisonous number 144 that fuels me to starve myself and binge, that fuels me to hate myself, because i will never be anything more than 144 in a boys eyes. I’m just a number. a number that is far too high. a number of 144. each time i chew i hear 144. each time my heart beats as I’m running i hear 144. 144 is in my heart and pumping through my body taking it over like a parasite. its feeding on the last lights i have inside me to make itself brighter. 144, 144. 144. 144. 144. 144. 144. 144. 144. are you happy now renn. even when you’re out of my life you still have control over me. 144. 

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