taunting

he’s taunting me. i cut him out of my life and he’s taunting me. he’s haunting my dreams. just yesterday i went to the mall and was reminded how much i missed him. how we went to steak and shake together after our ice skating “date”. How we went to the movies and i dragged him into forever 21 because I needed a cute outfit. how he sat in the dressing room and told me what looked good and what didn’t. how we were late to our movie because we needed x-large slurpees. how i fell flat on my back on the ice skating rink and starting crying and he held me and rubbed my back. how we used to just drive in his car on the highway singing. how we would have heart to hearts in his car. how his car looks like ashleys and when i see it sometimes my heart skips a beat thinking he will be here to apologize. how when my phone rings i hope its him just to say sorry for being such a shit person. but he’s not here. he’s taunting me and haunting my thoughts. how in my room we layed on the floor and laughed. how in my mirror we took mirror pictures. how i used crayons and sat at my desk making him a book for his 17th birthday. how we kissed in my pool. how we kissed at my front door. how we laughed. how he let me cry in his arms on my back patio. how we swung on my swings. how he would pick me up. how we would text everyday. but its all gone and i realized how he was my world and i was his back up plan. how he used me. how i was a last choice to him. how i will NEVER be anything more. and you know whats the worst part?! is I’m trying to fill his human sized hole in my heart. how each time my heart beats blood flows out of this heart and pumps nothing through my veins. how i feel nothing when I’m alone. how each time i excerise or eat i hear 144. how when i got to 144 yesterday i broke down and threw my scale at the wall shattering it. how i broke down because it hurt too much. how each time i work out i use my hatred towards you to fuel me. how I’m getting hot to show you that you missed the chance to have me when you could’ve. how i was nothing but someone you could use. each time i walk into my therapists I’m flooded with how you put me here, how you said you would stay, how you left me, how i cried, how i broke, how i couldn’t move, how i couldn’t breathe, how it felt, how much i missed you. now all i feel is a hole i need to fill. no guy was as sweet to me as you were but no guy was ever as shitty as you were to me. no guy has ever mistreated me so much. it was like you tore my heart out and kept half for yourself. you broke me. are you happy. are you happy. you built me back up only to tear me down. and i have a you size lump in my throat. i can’t stop thinking about you. do you think about me. do you miss me. because i sure as hell miss the renn who was my best friend and who i loved. i hate the guy you’ve become. and its going to bite you in the ass. maybe catherine will tell you the truth about your relationship and how i convinced her to even give you a chance. how her best friend kissed her and she kissed back around your 3 month. how he took her to plays and understood music in a way you never did. hey maybe she’s cheating on you. but it must suck being you because your girlfriend didn’t like you, i hate you, I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU WITH EVERYTHING IN ME. I WANT TO SLAP YOU AND KICK YOU AND PUNCH YOU AND STRANGLE YOU AND KICK YOU UNTIL YOU FEEL THE PAIN I DO. I WANT TO SEE YOU BLEED HELPLESS AND ALONE ON THE STREET. I WANT TO HIT YOU WITH MY CAR AND SLAP YOU. I WANT TO PUNCH YOU UNTILL YOURE BRUISED AND SOMETHING HAS BROKEN BECAUSE THEN MAYBE YOU WOULD FEEL THE HURT I FEEL. BUT NO. i can’t. i won’t. because i know that karma has something way worse than anything i could ever give you. i hope you come crawling back to me only so i can shove my foot in your face and tell you to fuck off. i really hate you renn oubre. i hate you with all of me. i hate you so much it makes me sick. i hate you so much that i get nauseous even writing this. i put you on a pedestal but no more. you’re nothing but a shitty-good for nothing-fat-ugly-terrible at football-horrible person who deserves to rot in hell. goodbye and i hope you suffer. 

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