lets talk about sex baby

sex. its such a short word but its so grown up. i just can’t believe i was about to do it. I’m just a kid. I was a kid who forced herself to grow up too fast. I tried to fill the hole of self hatred and self loathing and the sense that i have no idea what I’m doing with my life and I’m ruining me. but sex only made that hole bigger. the first time i ever did anything with a guy i wasn’t ready and i don’t think i ever will be for a long time and its sad that I’m just now realizing this. you think that i would’ve realized that i don’t need to please a guy for him not to leave me. i just hate the thought of being alone forever. i thought sex would make someone love me or want me for longer than that act i was doing but it was never true. i came up with this “hit and quit it. no strings attached. i don’t like feelings or relationships because they are too messy” personality when i really just wanted someone to fall for me. i wanted a boy to chase me and make me realize that I’m more than i think but its not going to happen because high school boys chase things they know they can get. they much rather do a 50 m dash than an 800 m run. its just i rushed into things. i wanted a boy to say no not until you’re ready you’re more than that but lets be real… that wasn’t going to happen. its just i wish i could take it all back. even my first kiss. i wasn’t ready for any of it. i wish i could take it slow….. i wish i just had a steady guy in my life to be like hey fuck them you have me its ognna be okay. but thats like a boyfriend and i can’t have anyone love me before i learn to love myself. i just can’t physically give myself to a guy until i know he wants me emotionally. until i know he won’t leave and he loves me and he wants ME. and its just i always have doubts that guys are talking to me for the sexual favors that they don’t really want me and i just need to SLAM ON THE BRAKES. HARD. i need to take a time out and sort out all my problems and get the holes in my soul filled before i ask a guy to come into my life or i open up to anyone. i just need to take a break from everything and focus on myself. i just can’t do it anymore

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