opening up

you know that door that always gets stuck. or a rusty lock that won’t open up. or the scary haunted house whose doors and windows are boarded shut? well thats like me. I don’t like to open up to people. sometimes people try to get a crowbar and pry me open but i snap shut. i have to open up on my own and its just really hard for me because of how many times when i opened up i got in trouble, i got put under watch, i was labeled mentally unstable, i worried people, i got yelled at, i got ignored, i got called attention whore, i was told to just get over it, i was told that people had it worse than me so i should be happy, that i was making it all up, its just hard for me to open up. everyone but kearin and ashley have left me. if i opened up to someone they left me and then i was left with another hole in my soul that i couldn’t fix. its just i thought i was cursed for a while. whenever i opened my mouth bad things happened. my mom put off my depression. my dad kept drinking. my grades kept slipping. my brother kept hitting me. i kept losing friends. boys kept hating me unless i did something to please them. i thought i was cursed but i wasn’t. my problems are far too great for a normal mind to wrap around. thats why my best friends are extra special because they haven’t left me when i left myself. i was at a point where i wouldn’t eat, i wouldn’t shower, i would sit with a blank stare, i would cry, i just would put everything off, i would turn my phone off and when i turned it back on i wasn’t surprised when nobody called me, i just was at a point where i was nothing but a body. i wasn’t human. i was soulless. and i don’t ever want to go back to that. so i need to take things slow and its not your fault. its my fault and my problems and i need to deal with them before i let anyone into my life. i just don’t want to go back to being nothing but a body. I’m not a normal girl and i hope you understand and i just hope you stay. thanks

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