right now….

lets see right now I’m either in between throwing up or crying. my emotions are on my sleeve again. raw and exposed for a boy with sweet poisonous words to make them shiver and wither up and not act properly. i forget to guard my heart… especially without my necklace. my necklace was tiffany and company and it was a heart that was locked. it reminded me to keep my heart guarded and locked so i would never be hurt again. and now its ruined and so am i. I’m sitting in bed with a trash can next to me because i feel like I’m going to be sick. i let so many people down. I’m falling apart over so many small stupid things. boys. I’m falling apart over boys. its the same song different verse. how many times have i let a boy with sweet words destroy me. i want what i can’t have and when i have a chance to have it i freak out. i don’t know how to act. I’m too immature for relationships or anything. I’m not ready for any of this. I’m either going to pull my hair out or throw up or cry or all. i can’t keep allowing myself to throw my feelings into a boy because they suck. they don’t care about me. they won’t unless I’m prettier. skinnier. smarter. funnier. brighter. nicer. lovelier. better. i need to be like you guys before a guy will even care about me as a friend. do you know how i get guy friends?!?! i have to give them things. i hate myself for it but without that i wouldn’t have friends. I’m not what you want to be friends with. I’m an emotional wreck. i just threw up. i feel sick to my stomach. i just hate that i let boys control me. i hate that nobody loves me. i hate that I’m nobodies first choice. i hate that I’m always the last resort. i hate that i can’t be myself and tell everything about me because i would sound like a broken record. i hate that i can’t talk about myself without feeling selfish but i can’t stop talking about myself. i hate that i can’t tell anyone my passions or hopes or dreams without someone just tearing me down. i hate that i only get an eighth of likes on a really good selfie of me rather than a bad selfie of some pretty girl. i hate that I’m not the pretty typical partier high school girl. i hate that I’m not happy. i hate myself. i feel myself slipping and i know this is recovery. one step forward two steps back but i really hate myself. i hate that I’m an emotional wreck. i hate that I’m so easy to manipulate lately. and I’m sorry but now its back in my mind and i can’t help but think will it help me like it helped her? there are demons back and i want them out. I’m going crazy and I’m scared I’m going to fall apart…. again….. I’m sorry…. again…..

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