i can’t help but feel….

i can’t help but feel that I’m wasting my life. i don’t go out… i don’t go party… i don’t really hangout with anyone… i don’t really ever leave the house… i can’t help but feel like I’m wasting my life but i just don’t really fit in well yet… i will when i get skinnier but until then i just don’t leave the house. i just can’t help but feel like I’m wasting my high school years where I’m suppose to sneak out to meet boys and hangout with my friends all the time and be skinny and involved and happy but I’m just not. i stay at home and watch netflix and text the same 2 people and i love ashley and kearin but sometimes i wish someone else would try to talk to me a lot. i just feel like nobody really misses me when I’m not there. like it wouldn’t really make a difference if i moved to another city. i would be forgotten about… its just sad to think about how everybody but kearin and ashley wouldn’t even notice i was gone…… i could just leave and everyone would wake up and not even know i was gone…. its really sad bc they have other people but i only have them and i don’t have more than 3 ppl and thats so pathetic… I’m so pathetic. i just am too big and ugly and clumsy to have friends yet. but i mean what if i died. then people would act like they knew me. but heres the truth- they don’t talk to me unless i talk to them first or they want something from me. thats the truth and its pathetic. maybe I’m going to die soon and god just doesn’t want to hurt other peoples feelings so he’s hurting mine instead. maybe i just wasn’t meant to recover or be happy and skinny. maybe i was meant to die young and be sad and hurt and alone and hate most of me but thats his plan…. they say it’ll get better and i want to believe that but here i am, not crazy but alone, so alone that it would drive most people insane but not me because I’m used to it now…. I’m really pathetic…. I’m a pathetic excuse for a high schooler. why take someone else’s life when god could just take mine and it would only affect 2 people outside my family… its pathetic

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