one step forward, two steps back: recovery

“Recovering from depression isn’t easy. One of the hardest things is that you just don’t know what to expect.

It’s not like healing from an injury. If you broke your arm, your doctor could give you specifics about your recovery. He or she could tell you — at least roughly — how many weeks you would need a cast and when you will be healed.

 Unfortunately, depression isn’t like that. Each person’s recovery is different. Some recover in a few weeks or months. But for others, depression is a long-term illness. In about 20% to 30% of people who have an episode of depression, the symptoms don’t entirely go away.

You may also have trouble figuring out how you feel. If you were depressed for a long time before you got treatment, you may not remember what feeling normal is like.”

-an excerpt from webmd.com about depression

“You may also have trouble figuring out how you feel. If you were depressed for a long time before you got treatment, you may not remember what feeling normal is like.”

honestly this is so true. i have so much trouble sorting through my feelings, when I’m happy but someone else is sad i feel guilty. when I’m sad but someone else is happy i feel jealous. i need to learn how to control and read my feelings but its so hard to cataorgize my feelings.. like I’m happy but I’m sad. I’m mad but I’m content. I’m peaceful but still a swirling storm of emotion. I’m at peace with myself but i still pick out all my flaws. 

 

with recover you take one step forward and two steps back. its an on going battle inside you. its like the civil war. you have one sad fighting for the right to be happy and free while the other is fighting to keep you chained to your depression and you’re the only one bleeding inside. its always a battle inside and somedays the darkness wins and somedays the light wins. it all depends on the battle. but my blood and soul is the only one being spilled and i keep feeling empty and sometimes i swear i can feel my heart break and my soul get a cut each time I’m hurt. i feel like sometimes i have a giant cannonball hole in my heart for everything to get in; lust, anger, sadness, peace, happiness, joy, content, emptiness, guilt, affection, etc. and then those feelings leave the hole whenever they want. thats the easiest way to describe my bipolar part of me. i cannot help it some days of course i take medication for it but that does not mean I’m immune to mood swings and changes going on in my heart and head. 

 

what really sucks about being bipolar is hearing it used as an insult or a mood.

bipolar is a mental illness and i happen to have it. its like walking in a field of land mines. some days the skies are clear and sunny and I’m together in one piece but one little trigger can set me off. then i turn into a million pieces scattered everywhere and i just am going insane it feels like. my mood is everywhere and i try my best to rein it in but it doesn’t help when there are billions of microscopic pieces scattered all around you. you can’t pick them all up and put them together. each time i step on a land mine i lose more of myself. i grow weaker. i do not grow stronger, i just learn to cope with whats left of me. and sometimes it is not even me who steps on the landmine but i am pushed into it. and thats when i truly feel hopeless. it was not my fault but i was pushed into it. bipolar disorder is very hard to live with and i hate how bipolar is an insult. one time i heard this guy telling his friend why he broke up with his girlfriend and he said “she’s too bipolar. it got so old”. things like that make me feel ashamed to be bipolar. i feel like i can’t tell anyone because then i would get old and people would drop me even if i couldn’t help it. when i hear that i feel like I’m not entitled to my own emotions because I’m too bipolar. many times i have been told I’m too emotional and moody but they don’t realize I’m living with bipolar disorder because i don’t tell anyone because bipolar in society means- crazy, moody, annoying, short tempered, insane, something that gets old real quick, attention seeking. bipolar is when you cannot control your emotions and its really hard to live with. you could have everything going right in your life and you’re head knows that you should be happy but instead you’re angry and sad and uncontrollable. BIPOLAR DISORDER IS NOT AN INSULT OR AN EXCUSE FOR FEELINGS BUT IT IS A REAL DISORDER AND A VERY FUCKING HARD ONE TO LIVE WITH. 

 

people say that if you have a mental disorder when you have a nice house, a nice life, a nice car, your parents are still married and alive, you have friends, you seem happy then you’re just seeking for attention but let me tell you something.

MENTAL DISORDERS DO NOT CARE HOW GOOD YOUR LIFE IS BECAUSE THEY WILL STILL HAPPEN. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT BECAUSE IT WAS JUST A FLAW IN YOUR CHEMISTRY. IT WAS AN IMBALANCE INSIDE YOU EVEN IF YOUR LIFE IS BALANCED. PEOPLE NEED TO REALIZE THAT IF YOU HAVE A NICE LIFE, A NICE CAR, A NICE FAMILY, NICE FRIENDS, A SET OF MARRIED PARENTS, IF YOURE PRETTY OR SKINNY OR SMART OR ONE ALL THE BOYS WANT IT DOES NOT MATTER TO A MENTAL DISORDER BECAUSE IT WILL STILL TAKE OVER YOUR LIFE. SO PEOPLE NEED TO REALIZE THAT NO MATTER HOW GOOD YOU HAVE YOU STILL WILL HAVE A MENTAL DISORDER SO STOP SAYING PEOPLE ARE ATTENTION SEEKING WHEN THEY TELL SOMEONE ABOUT IT BECAUSE IF YOU SAY THIS THAN YOU HAVE NEVER TRULY SEEN OR FELT THE GUT WRENCHING FEELING OF DEALING WITH A DISORDER EVERY DAMN DAY SO SHUT YOUR MOUTH BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SAY WHO IS SEEKING FOR ATTENTION AND WHO IS NOT. 

 

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