144 and I’m nothing more

when people ask me who I am the only thing that comes to mind is 144.

at the gym with every pounding step I take chimes to the beat of 144.

the sound of me chewing sounds like 144.

the thought of swallowing makes me cringe and all I feel is 144. 

as I count the calories I am always off because too many numbers are substituted by 144.

I step on my worst enemy, the cold glass scale in my bathroom or bedroom and all I see is 144. 

it does not matter what the scale actually reads because all I see is 144. 

my stomach cries for food but I hold it and whisper 144. 

it calms down knowing how big and full it actually is knowing that the number is too high, that it cannot be hungry if it is 144. 

when the hunger gets to be too much I pop in a piece of mint gum and repeat 144. 

my urge to binge stops as a rush comes to me that causes me to stop, the only thing to stop me from eating is 144. 

I stare at my full plate and see 144.

I push food around and even though I would love to eat all I can think is 144 

be strong or stay 144

144 and I am nothing more. 

I take off my clothes and stand in the mirror looking for something but all I see is 144. 

I’m kissing a boy and as his hands try to explore me I feel his fingertips poisoned with 144. 

“you’re perfect and you have a great body” doesn’t register but instead all I hear is 144. 

I say thank you and give you a kiss to show I’m grateful of the compliment even if the only thing I believe is 144. 

I take off my clothes and feel 144. 

I know what you want and I try to be sexy. to be something you want but all I feel is 144. 

a rush of guilt and a quick thought of “should I be doing this?” comes over me but I need to feel something other than 144. 

you try to please me but I say no. I say I’m not ready but I just want to wait until I feel something other than 144.

144 and I am nothing more. 

my therapist asked me to describe myself and immediately I said 144. 

a strange look comes my way but I confirm what I said, “144.” 

I’m then asked how are you the number 144

my reply is simple I am made of up DNA, atoms, and what I see myself therefore I am 144.

she asks me to explain 144

but how do you explain a poison that  was fed to you and that’s stuck in your veins. how would I explain 144

I simply reply with the statement, “I am 144 and nothing more. my mood never changes for it is a constant feeling of 144. my body never changes for it will and always is 144. as I fall in love that love is not replaced with lust or affection but with 144. eating releases the poison 144. whenever I look at myself I see 144. whenever people whisper I hear 144. laughter sounds like a chant of 144. when people see me I believe they see what I see, 144. you see I am nothing more than 144. 144 is me and I am 144. 

the wheels in her head starts to turn and in messy handwriting she jots down 144. 

still not understanding what my obsession with 144 she asks more questions all with the answer 144.

finally she asks where the number came from, how I thought of 144. 

so I told her the truth of 144. 

I did not come up with 144, for it was fed to me, it was drilled into me, a very special person to me told me I looked like 144 pounds and that’s when it started. 144 is too big. so it took over me. I tried to eat less but I would binge, I tried to look prettier but I looked in the mirror and saw 144, I was complimented but in the back of my head I was reminded of 144, I started to change, it took over me, it was a parasite that took over my heart and body and mind, all I thought about was 144, all I felt was 144, and it was so strong I beat an eating disorder, it was so strong I lost 23 pounds but still I look 144, I still am 144, all I hear, all I think, all I see, all I feel, all I dream, all I am is 144. he said sorry but it haunted me. that moment he said I looked 144 pounds was when I realized everyone saw me as I saw myself, that’s when I realized

 I am 144 and nothing more. 

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