144 and I’m nothing more

when people ask me who I am the only thing that comes to mind is 144.

at the gym with every pounding step I take chimes to the beat of 144.

the sound of me chewing sounds like 144.

the thought of swallowing makes me cringe and all I feel is 144. 

as I count the calories I am always off because too many numbers are substituted by 144.

I step on my worst enemy, the cold glass scale in my bathroom or bedroom and all I see is 144. 

it does not matter what the scale actually reads because all I see is 144. 

my stomach cries for food but I hold it and whisper 144. 

it calms down knowing how big and full it actually is knowing that the number is too high, that it cannot be hungry if it is 144. 

when the hunger gets to be too much I pop in a piece of mint gum and repeat 144. 

my urge to binge stops as a rush comes to me that causes me to stop, the only thing to stop me from eating is 144. 

I stare at my full plate and see 144.

I push food around and even though I would love to eat all I can think is 144 

be strong or stay 144

144 and I am nothing more. 

I take off my clothes and stand in the mirror looking for something but all I see is 144. 

I’m kissing a boy and as his hands try to explore me I feel his fingertips poisoned with 144. 

“you’re perfect and you have a great body” doesn’t register but instead all I hear is 144. 

I say thank you and give you a kiss to show I’m grateful of the compliment even if the only thing I believe is 144. 

I take off my clothes and feel 144. 

I know what you want and I try to be sexy. to be something you want but all I feel is 144. 

a rush of guilt and a quick thought of “should I be doing this?” comes over me but I need to feel something other than 144. 

you try to please me but I say no. I say I’m not ready but I just want to wait until I feel something other than 144.

144 and I am nothing more. 

my therapist asked me to describe myself and immediately I said 144. 

a strange look comes my way but I confirm what I said, “144.” 

I’m then asked how are you the number 144

my reply is simple I am made of up DNA, atoms, and what I see myself therefore I am 144.

she asks me to explain 144

but how do you explain a poison that  was fed to you and that’s stuck in your veins. how would I explain 144

I simply reply with the statement, “I am 144 and nothing more. my mood never changes for it is a constant feeling of 144. my body never changes for it will and always is 144. as I fall in love that love is not replaced with lust or affection but with 144. eating releases the poison 144. whenever I look at myself I see 144. whenever people whisper I hear 144. laughter sounds like a chant of 144. when people see me I believe they see what I see, 144. you see I am nothing more than 144. 144 is me and I am 144. 

the wheels in her head starts to turn and in messy handwriting she jots down 144. 

still not understanding what my obsession with 144 she asks more questions all with the answer 144.

finally she asks where the number came from, how I thought of 144. 

so I told her the truth of 144. 

I did not come up with 144, for it was fed to me, it was drilled into me, a very special person to me told me I looked like 144 pounds and that’s when it started. 144 is too big. so it took over me. I tried to eat less but I would binge, I tried to look prettier but I looked in the mirror and saw 144, I was complimented but in the back of my head I was reminded of 144, I started to change, it took over me, it was a parasite that took over my heart and body and mind, all I thought about was 144, all I felt was 144, and it was so strong I beat an eating disorder, it was so strong I lost 23 pounds but still I look 144, I still am 144, all I hear, all I think, all I see, all I feel, all I dream, all I am is 144. he said sorry but it haunted me. that moment he said I looked 144 pounds was when I realized everyone saw me as I saw myself, that’s when I realized

 I am 144 and nothing more. 


you said i love you….

but then you decided I was a bore. 
so you left 
and i convicted you of theft. 
the theft of every vein, muscle, and bone of me
i wasn’t complete without you but you didn’t look back to see. 
in a puddle slowly turning into a great lake 
my tears drowned me as i began to shake.
i lost the one who i believed loved me
you had filled me with so much glee.
but your intention was the attention 
without giving the affection.
the moment i said i love you too
was the moment i lost you. 
for your attention need was fulfilled 
and your lust for me was killed
it took four words for me to lose my joy
i was just your little toy.
you got bored so you set me down
and went to choose another girl in a short gown
maybe she’ll leave you 
and you can feel the pain i am, leaving you to only trust a few
for your sincere act of i love you fooled me 
and i wore your baseball tee
crying my eyes out until i realized that
“a cruel man will get what he deserves” the world has a way of coming back 
for the girl you love will tear you apart 
and you’ll hold your bleeding heart 
wishing that something could take this pain away
and maybe you’ll feel my pain. 

meeting you-

I take a swig of vodka so cheap that it burned on the way down
happily getting tipsy and swinging around in my short gown
i throw my head back and laugh a glimmer in my eyes
as the party winds down we give hugs and say our good byes
“drive safe”. “text me when you get home” “please watch the road”
the moment i get home i let out a sigh and just let myself unload. 
i peel my dress off and take off my tights
thinking to myself “wow what a night”
I smile thinking of the cute tall boy staring at me dancing
thinking about him only caused my interest to start enhancing 
how tall and muscular his tan arms were
in that moment i locked eyes with him i was lured
i dip my feet into a hot bath i drew 
wondering what it would be like to kiss you
your soft pink lips so full 
as your hand tried to bring me closer, like a pull
i snap out of the day dream when my phone comes alive
an unknown number to my surprise 
is this alexa? because its me, joe*. please don’t find this weird but you just were having too much fun for me to intrude on. i would love to talk to you soon
my feet created a big splash as i squeal knowing that it was the man who made me swoon
with you-   4 months 
we have been talking for a while now but something is wrong
you are wanting more than i can give and I’m trying to be strong 
i was taught never to do something you don’t want to do 
but what if thats the only way to keep you
your patience is running thin
so i say okay and feel your hand on my soft virgin skin
never have i been touched where you have touched me 
i tremble at your light touch and feel on my thigh your knee
you try to spread my legs but i close them shut
im not ready yet i say and you get this look of disgust
“you’re such a god damn tease!!!!” 
all because i wasn’t ready to what you pleased 
i tremble hearing you shout 
and you roll your eyes at my trembling pout
you take me home and i walk to my door not saying a word
i rush upstairs but my vision gets blurred. 
tears fall down my face 
i imagine my parents disgrace
if they saw you touch me craving for more
when i was not ready and was feeling poor
oh what have i done i cry as i sit letting warm water rush over me
in the shower i sit in my tub of self pity 
trying to be done with you-  8 months 
i no longer cringe at your touch
it does not hurt when my hair is in your rough clutch
for i have gotten used to your abuse
but i cannot prove it because you never leave a bruise
i know this is abuse but yet i wanted nothing more than to please
i never wanted to be a tease
i sit emotionless as you take your time tracing my stomach 
no longer do i feel it plummet
for my love or sparkle has been lost
the moment you were full of anger and lust
i say I’m done and you hold this over me
i will tell everyone what you’ve done 
i sit letting you finish 
my self worth is diminish 
you have caused me to become a machine 
one that is no longer clean
i say I’m done
and you laugh at my statement and say uh huh okay hun
and i sigh knowing i don’t have the strength to fight anymore 
oh what i would give to go back and never even open that door
the door that has lead me here

on the couch merely centimeters away

“I’m cold” I say.
I walk over to the cabinet 
bending over knowing that your eyes were attracted to an ass like metal on a magnet
i walk back gleefully with a plan in my mind
you open your armed at such a perfect time
i settle right in with an oversized plush
something that would be sure to give you a little rush
i look up at you and smile 
you ask me “what” and my response comes after a while
i never said a word
but yet i made sure i was heard
i grabbed your face
and my lips found their place
your hands went on my chest 
and you pressed
my lips touched yours for a pure second of bliss
and that was our kiss
i went back but you pushed me again
my eyes were full of pain
“oh honey…..” was the only thing you could say
“oh honey…”
“honey…. oh oh honey….”
“oh honey….” 
you crack a smile but i don’t find this the least bit funny
for you rejected me but i knew what i was playing with
you had a girlfriend but i felt your pity in the pith
i needed that one taste
that would make me feel like i took a drink that was laced
i was on cloud nine until i felt nothing but air
when i opened my eyes i see your face, expressionless and bare.
i want to say sorry but I’m not sorry.
in fact my eyes were starry
i was happy until i felt that space 
the one that knew i was out of place
“im— im— im— im gonna be sick”
I run out and feel sick. 
I’ve really done it this time
I’m such slime
my heart aches with an overwhelming feeling of miss
all for a kiss
i lost my best friend for a simple few seconds of heaven 

i poured my heart out to you 

as we sat in your heated truck
but you didn’t feel the same way
it was stormy and cold outside 
the rain was falling down on your window
like tears were falling down on my cheeks
i loved you
but you didn’t feel the same way
i open the door to your truck and go off running
each step slapping the pavement
my lungs stinging from the cold air desperately trying to get in
my hair and clothes sopping wet from the rain
my face drowned in tears
i look around and i don’t know where i am
im lost and i don’t even care
i sit on the sidewalk and tuck my head into my knees and cry
i cry and cry and cry
on that day i don’t know who cried more, me or the earth
i gave you my heart 
and you said you didn’t want it
my heart slipped out of my hands and shattered onto the floor
into a millón pieces
each hitting the ground like the rain and my tears mixed
and i realized how i was lost without you

i tried to change.

i curled my hair, i put on more makeup, i became a girly girl
so i could be your girl
i closed my mouth and bit my tongue
so i could be your girl
i acted like i loved the sport you played but not too much
so i could be your girl
i agreed with you on almost everything
so i could be your girl
i lowered my morals
so i could be your girl
i tried to be your princess in the streets who could be naughty in the sheet
so i could be your girl
but yet I’m not your girl.
because no matter what i did it wasn’t enough
you never wanted to keep me 
you knew i liked you 
you noticed how i was slowly becoming someone i wasn’t
you took that to your advantage 
you saw how during the day i was bubblegum pink and innocent 
you noticed the change how i went from innocent to sexy with red lipstick and black lace
i just wanted you to want to keep me
but from the start you had no intention of keeping me
and that was something you should’ve told me
because while i was changing to be someone you would like
i lost someone i liked
and i have not yet found myself yet
but you’re long gone 
because you did not want me as your girl. 

i just got so used to having you around

i didn’t think about what it would be like not to have you
i was fine without you but now i can barely function without you
you’ve got me hooked and i don’t wanna let you go
i didn’t think what it would be like not to have you around 
you were part of my everyday
you became as regular as breathing 
i needed you everyday and i got you plenty of times a day
you became part of my everyday routine 
but now your gone
and i feel like a big chunk of me is missing
i don’t know what to do without you
i don’t know how to act 
i don’t know what to do
i don’t know what I’m doing
i don’t know anything expect that i want you
i didn’t want you to leave
i might have been fine without you before but now I’m sitting on my floor wishing you would come back
you were part of my life 
and now you’re gone 
and i don’t know what to do without you