time does not heal

’ve been told all my life that “time heals all wounds”

but that is not true.

the wound of losing you is still there

no matter how many minutes, hours, days, months, or years passes by.

the open bleeding wound stops bleeding after a while

then it closes over and turns into a scar.

but this scar is with me forever.

the wound is still there just closed over, forgotten about,

losing you has become less important over time.

but the pain of hearing the words, “I don’t love you anymore”

will always be with me,

it does not matter if I am a minute older or 70 years older

I will always feel the pain from hearing those words spill off your tongue.

I remember how rehearsed they sounded, like you had practiced them,

you made it seem like no big deal that you had my heart but i did not have yours,

and unfortunately that pain has not gone away

it has been a long time since I heard those words pour out of your mouth

the same mouth that kissed me with so much passion that it gave me life,

the same mouth that made me feel a love so warm that I thought my body would combust from the inside out

the same mouth that told me things sweeter than pure sugar

the same mouth that told me you would always be here for me

the same mouth i now despise, for love was not on your lips but poison

you built me up only to tear me down

you gained the light in my eyes

the love in my heart

and the innocence i had before you came

Time has not made this hurt any less

for i am constantly reminded of how you never truly loved me

and because of you I know that time heals nothing.

In the life of a teenage feminist.

Here’s a little look into my daily life. Each day I go to college classes and focus on class, nothing happens, just learn about history and how women were property. I think about how far we’ve come and it’s not that far. yes we can choose our own husbands, we have the right to vote, but are women really and truly free? no. they are not sadly. We are still look down upon as property. Women have been upgraded in the way they are treated, instead of being treated like the Ebola diease we are treated like an entitlement. I go to school and I am constantly harassed by teenage boys in every single one of my classes. Do the teachers say a word about it? no. they don’t. they only say a word about anything when I respond back. This is an ongoing problem. Do i deserve to be told to quiet down when I am only standing up for myself? Is it okay for the teacher to sit back and be silent when my nickname is “big lexie” or “babe” or “sweet cheeks” (referring not to the cheeks on my face). Is it fair that when I try to stand up for myself I am told to either be quiet or go in the hall. No it’s not. But it repeats itself. All over the world women are silenced for standing up for themselves. We are constantly told no, be quiet, go back in the kitchen, or to not over react. Just once I would like to see a teacher not only say something to the harassing men for the future women in their lives but I would like to see a teacher support feminism. Feminsim is banished from schools. It is absurd to think about a shoulder showing in school. but yet it is okay for a teenage boy to pass around naked pictures of a girl and not get punished. God forbid I show below my collar bone but it is okay to constantly be reminded of the mistakes I have made with previous guys. I can’t focus on school because someone spread around that I was going to have a date saturday. I choose to put up with it and keep going forward but it beats me down daily. I am exhausted but my blood boils far too often not to say something. I am a teenage feminist constantly silenced and harassed and it is tiring but there is nothing I want to see more than a change in the way women are treated. Women should be respected. You think teenage boys with mothers, sister, grandmothers, wouldn’t look at women as an entitlement or a punching bag but sadly they do. It’s pathetic and there needs to be a change but I am silenced far too often to do anything about it. I am a teenage feminist and I feel like my voice has been taken from me.

in you i have a fresh start

you reached into me and took all my broken pieces that ive tried to put together that didnt fit together and you took them apart. you studied each piece and youre starting to rebuild me. with you i have a fresh start. you make me feel alive. 

something always brings me back to you

something about him makes me feel new. something always brings me back to him. i dont love him. i dont like him like that. hes just got something special, part of my heart, and i trust him. oh when he brought me i was speechless. it was amazing. i shouldnt want him but i do 

im gonna take a break

I’m taking a break from this until i “figure out whatever is going on with me”. goodbye. 

struggling

i made a mistake. i tried to talk about it. only made me feel worse. idk what to do. can’t get my mind off it. but oh well. i brought this on myself. again.

used-

all I feel is used 

your actions left me feeling abused. 

“shhh don’t tell anyone. nobody can ever know” 

I nodded because I cared for you so

“we can’t hangout in public or else people might think we are friends or more” 

I have to admit that one left my heart feeling sore 

your words cut into me like broken glass 

I should’ve seen then how you were just a giant ass 

horny and bored you used me 

I was broken didn’t you see

trying to find a feeling of love but mistaking it for lust 

but I was blind and it happened to be a bust 

feeling worse than before 

I gave you want you wanted but you kept asking for more 

I felt like you were using me but you reassured me you weren’t 

but you were and now I’m full of hurt 

your hands full of the worst intentions 

“oh and I got back together with my girlfriend! we were on a break I guess I forgot to mention” 

my gut dropped to the floor

I gave you what you wanted and more

my eyes filling up with tears that I couldn’t not hold 

I tried to be happy for you but this feeling was getting old

you used me I spat

I thought you were okay with that you said as I sat 

who would ever be okay with that 

well I thought you would be fine with that

I was starting to like you… you were different. you were nice… 

but you took my heart and did nothing but slice 

my emotions flooding everywhere 

this isn’t fair

I gave you what you wanted 

the idea of being left kept me haunted 

I fell to the floor in a heap 

my confidence started to seep

all I could mutter was I feel used

I was only something to keep you amused

and now I’m full of knowing I was used 

I’m now used 

used 

used 

used

used 

used 

I’m haunted by te fact that once again I was used 

144-

144 and I’m nothing more

when people ask me who I am the only thing that comes to mind is 144.

at the gym with every pounding step I take chimes to the beat of 144.

the sound of me chewing sounds like 144.

the thought of swallowing makes me cringe and all I feel is 144. 

as I count the calories I am always off because too many numbers are substituted by 144.

I step on my worst enemy, the cold glass scale in my bathroom or bedroom and all I see is 144. 

it does not matter what the scale actually reads because all I see is 144. 

my stomach cries for food but I hold it and whisper 144. 

it calms down knowing how big and full it actually is knowing that the number is too high, that it cannot be hungry if it is 144. 

when the hunger gets to be too much I pop in a piece of mint gum and repeat 144. 

my urge to binge stops as a rush comes to me that causes me to stop, the only thing to stop me from eating is 144. 

I stare at my full plate and see 144.

I push food around and even though I would love to eat all I can think is 144 

be strong or stay 144

144 and I am nothing more. 

I take off my clothes and stand in the mirror looking for something but all I see is 144. 

I’m kissing a boy and as his hands try to explore me I feel his fingertips poisoned with 144. 

“you’re perfect and you have a great body” doesn’t register but instead all I hear is 144. 

I say thank you and give you a kiss to show I’m grateful of the compliment even if the only thing I believe is 144. 

I take off my clothes and feel 144. 

I know what you want and I try to be sexy. to be something you want but all I feel is 144. 

a rush of guilt and a quick thought of “should I be doing this?” comes over me but I need to feel something other than 144. 

you try to please me but I say no. I say I’m not ready but I just want to wait until I feel something other than 144.

144 and I am nothing more. 

my therapist asked me to describe myself and immediately I said 144. 

a strange look comes my way but I confirm what I said, “144.” 

I’m then asked how are you the number 144

my reply is simple I am made of up DNA, atoms, and what I see myself therefore I am 144.

she asks me to explain 144

but how do you explain a poison that  was fed to you and that’s stuck in your veins. how would I explain 144

I simply reply with the statement, “I am 144 and nothing more. my mood never changes for it is a constant feeling of 144. my body never changes for it will and always is 144. as I fall in love that love is not replaced with lust or affection but with 144. eating releases the poison 144. whenever I look at myself I see 144. whenever people whisper I hear 144. laughter sounds like a chant of 144. when people see me I believe they see what I see, 144. you see I am nothing more than 144. 144 is me and I am 144. 

the wheels in her head starts to turn and in messy handwriting she jots down 144. 

still not understanding what my obsession with 144 she asks more questions all with the answer 144.

finally she asks where the number came from, how I thought of 144. 

so I told her the truth of 144. 

I did not come up with 144, for it was fed to me, it was drilled into me, a very special person to me told me I looked like 144 pounds and that’s when it started. 144 is too big. so it took over me. I tried to eat less but I would binge, I tried to look prettier but I looked in the mirror and saw 144, I was complimented but in the back of my head I was reminded of 144, I started to change, it took over me, it was a parasite that took over my heart and body and mind, all I thought about was 144, all I felt was 144, and it was so strong I beat an eating disorder, it was so strong I lost 23 pounds but still I look 144, I still am 144, all I hear, all I think, all I see, all I feel, all I dream, all I am is 144. he said sorry but it haunted me. that moment he said I looked 144 pounds was when I realized everyone saw me as I saw myself, that’s when I realized

 I am 144 and nothing more. 

you said i love you….

but then you decided I was a bore. 

so you left 

and i convicted you of theft. 

the theft of every vein, muscle, and bone of me

i wasn’t complete without you but you didn’t look back to see. 

in a puddle slowly turning into a great lake 

my tears drowned me as i began to shake.

i lost the one who i believed loved me

you had filled me with so much glee.

but your intention was the attention 

without giving the affection.

the moment i said i love you too

was the moment i lost you. 

for your attention need was fulfilled 

and your lust for me was killed

it took four words for me to lose my joy

i was just your little toy.

you got bored so you set me down

and went to choose another girl in a short gown

maybe she’ll leave you 

and you can feel the pain i am, leaving you to only trust a few

for your sincere act of i love you fooled me 

and i wore your baseball tee

crying my eyes out until i realized that

“a cruel man will get what he deserves” the world has a way of coming back 

for the girl you love will tear you apart 

and you’ll hold your bleeding heart 

wishing that something could take this pain away

and maybe you’ll feel my pain. 

meeting you-

 

I take a swig of vodka so cheap that it burned on the way down

happily getting tipsy and swinging around in my short gown

i throw my head back and laugh a glimmer in my eyes

as the party winds down we give hugs and say our good byes

“drive safe”. “text me when you get home” “please watch the road”

the moment i get home i let out a sigh and just let myself unload. 

i peel my dress off and take off my tights

thinking to myself “wow what a night”

I smile thinking of the cute tall boy staring at me dancing

thinking about him only caused my interest to start enhancing 

how tall and muscular his tan arms were

in that moment i locked eyes with him i was lured

i dip my feet into a hot bath i drew 

wondering what it would be like to kiss you

your soft pink lips so full 

as your hand tried to bring me closer, like a pull

i snap out of the day dream when my phone comes alive

an unknown number to my surprise 

is this alexa? because its me, joe*. please don’t find this weird but you just were having too much fun for me to intrude on. i would love to talk to you soon

my feet created a big splash as i squeal knowing that it was the man who made me swoon

 

 

with you-   4 months 

 

we have been talking for a while now but something is wrong

you are wanting more than i can give and I’m trying to be strong 

i was taught never to do something you don’t want to do 

but what if thats the only way to keep you

your patience is running thin

so i say okay and feel your hand on my soft virgin skin

never have i been touched where you have touched me 

i tremble at your light touch and feel on my thigh your knee

you try to spread my legs but i close them shut

im not ready yet i say and you get this look of disgust

“you’re such a god damn tease!!!!” 

all because i wasn’t ready to what you pleased 

i tremble hearing you shout 

and you roll your eyes at my trembling pout

you take me home and i walk to my door not saying a word

i rush upstairs but my vision gets blurred. 

tears fall down my face 

i imagine my parents disgrace

if they saw you touch me craving for more

when i was not ready and was feeling poor

oh what have i done i cry as i sit letting warm water rush over me

in the shower i sit in my tub of self pity 

 

trying to be done with you-  8 months 

 

i no longer cringe at your touch

it does not hurt when my hair is in your rough clutch

for i have gotten used to your abuse

but i cannot prove it because you never leave a bruise

i know this is abuse but yet i wanted nothing more than to please

i never wanted to be a tease

i sit emotionless as you take your time tracing my stomach 

no longer do i feel it plummet

for my love or sparkle has been lost

the moment you were full of anger and lust

i say I’m done and you hold this over me

i will tell everyone what you’ve done 

i sit letting you finish 

my self worth is diminish 

you have caused me to become a machine 

one that is no longer clean

i say I’m done

and you laugh at my statement and say uh huh okay hun

and i sigh knowing i don’t have the strength to fight anymore 

oh what i would give to go back and never even open that door

the door that has lead me here